I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
