Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
