just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
