the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
