can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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