You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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