I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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