so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
