There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
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