shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
