my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
