what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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