I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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