Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
