I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
