The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
