just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
