The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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