just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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