I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i out mim tonsoeep
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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