i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
