Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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