shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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