jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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