yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize