He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
