Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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