Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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