Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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