Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I have fence marks all over my body
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize