How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
