Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
