Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
