At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
