Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
