You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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