youre lurking in front of me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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