Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
