So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
