News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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