im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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