Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
