another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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