just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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