And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
