My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
