M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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