I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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