Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
