I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
