My underwear smells like fireworks.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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