Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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