so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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