So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
