First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
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All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
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Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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