The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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