yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
