don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
