: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
